Dear Kimie

So the other day, I was thinking about high school. Just day dreaming about random memories really. When I remembered an assignment I did for my Junior English class. (I was seventeen.) We were to write a letter to our future selves about what was going on in our lives at that moment. Who our friends were, what our plans after high school were. And what we hoped to accomplish in the years to come. Remembering that paper got me thinking...what if we could do it in reverse? What if twenty-six year old Kimie (actually twenty-seven in about two weeks) could write a letter to seventeen year old Kimie? What would I tell her? What would I praise her for? What would I warn her about? It obviously follows the age old question: "If you could go back in your life, what would you change?" My answer has usually always been the same. If I could go back, and change little things here and there, I would. But then the question is, would I still be stronger for it...if I didn't go through those hard life lessons? Probably not. So, if I could go back, I would still want to know what I know now. Both the beautiful and ugly truths about life that I've learned so far.

Dear 17 Year Old Kimie,
              So you're a Junior, huh? I know you're ready for high school to be over and for your life to "start". But just don't forget to enjoy these last two years of childhood. Especially this year. This is going to be the best year of your young life! Don't waste it! You have two of the bestest friends you'll ever have in your entire life. Make sure you let Kelli know just how much she means to you. She will be your rock, your voice of reason, and very soon, she'll become your sister. Kracker is on her way of picking up your habit of "learning things the hard way". Love her, support her, and stand by her side. Be her "Floatie Boat" now, and you'll be thankful you have her as your "Floatie Boat" later.
              You're dating Josh, right? Oh man, enjoy that ride as long as you can. If only you knew how short of a time you have left to love him. To hold his hands. To hug him and hear him laugh. Forgive him for all the stupid little fights and stay with him for as long as you can. His clock is ticking, and God will call him Home in  a little less than a year.
              Believe me when I say, that your next "relationships" in the next couple years will either be completely pointless or only bring you heart ache and devastation. Two in particular: one with crystal blue eyes and lies that make you feel like you're invincible, and one with soulful dark eyes, that, if you let him, will continue to have power over you well into your twenties. Make no mistake, Blue Eyes will crash into your life like an Angel of Death and try his best to destroy everything and everyone in it. But rest assured that his reign will be short lived. But if you can see through his lies, you could not only save your own heart, but keep one of your most important friendships untarnished. As for Mr. Soulful....he's a bit more complicated. But he doesn't have to be. He will come and go out of your life like tiny tornadoes. You won't see the damage coming until he's already gone again. Don't give him this power. Or when he's lonely, or hell, even bored....here he'll come to build you up, just to tear you down like the spoiled toddler he'll always be.
              With all that in mind, take a little more care in school. Yes, I know you're tired and too busy spending time with your friends (and boys) to really concentrate on school work. But you're smarter than you're acting. You can do better than you give yourself credit for. Just save yourself the stress of having to own up to that "F" and try harder. Mom and Dad will be happier, you'll be happier. It's really very simple. And don't take the easy way out after you graduate. Beauty School will NOT make you happy, and you'll only end up wasting your parents' money. Do something with art. You will only regret it if you don't.
              I guess, that's it for now. Just remember, it's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to fall on your butt sometimes. As long as you pick yourself back up and keep going. You have the best family in the world and a handful of friends that make life worth living. The next ten years are going to be a wild ride, but don't lose that big heart. Love like you've never been hurt, forgive like you've never had to before, and smile even through the bad times, because this is the only life you got. Make it count!
                                                                                     Love always,
                                                                        Twenty-Six Year Old Kimie :-)

Nightmares

One of the worst things about sleeping alone? Not having anyone to wake me up when I'm having a nightmare. I don't think I dream like most people. My nightmares seem so real. Technicolor and surround sound.  Sometimes I wake up screaming. Fall out of bed onto my knees, gasping for breath. Sob. Or my heart pounds so hard, I physically can't cry. I guess I got spoiled having someone there for four years to wake me up before my nightmare could actually get too bad. I almost forgot what it was like to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, trying to figure out if my dream was real or not. Then being afraid to go back to sleep. Sometimes for days.

Hanson Day 2012

Happy Hanson Day! Today marks fifteen years since Middle of Nowhere was released...when my life changed forever. :-)

Be Still

This song is just so chillingly amazing. Like most songs, it found me right when I needed it. I just want to say...Thank you God for speaking to me in a way you'd know I'd listen. And thank You for reminding me that no matter what happens in life, no matter how alone I may feel...You are always there to hold me, guide me, and lift me back up. I need only to BE STILL and trust in You.

Not All I Dreamed Of...

Today is my four year wedding anniversary. I used to go to sleep remembering every little silly detail of that day. It was so beautiful...and perfect. That feeling right before they opened the doors to the sanctuary where my Knight would be waiting for me. To give me everything I had dreamed of my entire life. Love, compassion, safety, stability, laugher...children. 

It's ironic I guess. I've known since I was three years old exactly what I wanted out of life. To be a wife to a man that loved me as I loved him, and to be a mother. Now it seems I can't have either. That's the cruel irony of life, I suppose.

One day, I will find the one God has for me. One...day...

Me, Myself and I

This song basically explains all I need to say. I should have posted it a while ago. I guess I just wasn't ready to write it. That would make it real. And that would mean I'd have to actually deal with it. I lost my Knight In Shining Armor. He and his tarnished, dented armor are gone. I won't sit here and claim that I didn't put my fair share of dents into that armor. But we're here because of him, and the choices his choices forced me to make. I feel so lost. Broken. Worthless. Alone. All of my "forever" dreams are gone.

If I detach long enough from the pain of it all to look at it abstractly, I'm not sure if I can actually put into words how odd it is. To go from being perfect counterparts. Best friends. And even during the huge fights, never once thinking, "Oh God. This is it, isn't it? It's over." Not in four years did I ever once think that. But that moment, when everything shifted. Everything changed. Suddenly, that sweet innocence I had always associated with him was gone. He was a stranger to me. Because surely my Knight could never become what he had become. I guess I can't really think any farther without including the pain. Because I was happy. Happier than I had ever been. There were struggles, of course. But I was happy. He had already put us through so much, but we had made it through. "No matter what..." It seemed like we had just finally put the pieces back together from his last "big mistake". We had a beautiful home. Wonderful family. And I had a husband that made me feel beautiful, safe, and protected. Then, in a split second...everything was gone.

I can't say how many times that phone call has haunted my thoughts and dreams. But I can tell you how many days though. 290. I think one of the things that will always bother me, is that he'll never know. He'll never know, that even at that moment when I found out where he was...I still had faith in him. I still believed he was my Knight. I thought he had caught someone doing wrong, and tried to be the hero. Not for a second did I ever believe he was the cause. Not until I got there, and was told what really happened. I'm not sure if I have ever felt that sort of shock in my life. He would like to think that I had made my decision about our "future" then. Or maybe on that horrible moving day. He believes that I had already made my choice to walk away. From everything we shared. But in truth? I was hollow.

It took me almost 5 months to work past that shock. And when I did, I didn't want that either. Making the choice to leave was the worst thing I've ever had to go through. Worse than getting a phone call letting you know that your best friend had died in his sleep. Worse than finding out that your other best friend was pregnant with your boyfriend's baby. Worse than going into emergency surgery and waking up to find out you may never have children. Yeah...leaving HIM was worse. I never knew one human being could actually feel that sort of pain. Not just from the decision, but from the thousand little realizations that lead me there.

Once I made my choice, a new sort of hollow settled in. This hollow is no longer rooted from shock. It's rooted in fear, anger, and a broken heart. I've lost my "forever". Actually, I'm still trying to force my brain into comprehending that I never had it to begin with. If I had, he would have kept his promises. Realized his choices effected me too. And that innocence would have never been destroyed. And that, if I'm being honest, has been one of the hardest parts to deal with. I'm alone. He's gone. It's just me, myself, and I.

Slacker

I haven't "blogged" one time this year, and now it's Christmas day. Merry Christmas by the way. If anyone is actually reading. Lol. This has been a tough year, which is probably why I haven't blogged much. I plan to be more dedicated to the whole blogging thing in 2012. But as for tonight, I better get to bed...in case Santa happens to be passing by. :) Good night. And today, in the midst of presents, company, food, and all that, let's remember the Reason for the Season. Happy birthday Jesus!