This song is just so chillingly amazing. Like most songs, it found me right when I needed it. I just want to say...Thank you God for speaking to me in a way you'd know I'd listen. And thank You for reminding me that no matter what happens in life, no matter how alone I may feel...You are always there to hold me, guide me, and lift me back up. I need only to BE STILL and trust in You.
Today is my four year wedding anniversary. I used to go to sleep remembering every little silly detail of that day. It was so beautiful...and perfect. That feeling right before they opened the doors to the sanctuary where my Knight would be waiting for me. To give me everything I had dreamed of my entire life. Love, compassion, safety, stability, laugher...children.
It's ironic I guess. I've known since I was three years old exactly what I wanted out of life. To be a wife to a man that loved me as I loved him, and to be a mother. Now it seems I can't have either. That's the cruel irony of life, I suppose.
One day, I will find the one God has for me. One...day...
This song basically explains all I need to say. I should have posted it a while ago. I guess I just wasn't ready to write it. That would make it real. And that would mean I'd have to actually deal with it. I lost my Knight In Shining Armor. He and his tarnished, dented armor are gone. I won't sit here and claim that I didn't put my fair share of dents into that armor. But we're here because of him, and the choices his choices forced me to make. I feel so lost. Broken. Worthless. Alone. All of my "forever" dreams are gone.
If I detach long enough from the pain of it all to look at it abstractly, I'm not sure if I can actually put into words how odd it is. To go from being perfect counterparts. Best friends. And even during the huge fights, never once thinking, "Oh God. This is it, isn't it? It's over." Not in four years did I ever once think that. But that moment, when everything shifted. Everything changed. Suddenly, that sweet innocence I had always associated with him was gone. He was a stranger to me. Because surely my Knight could never become what he had become. I guess I can't really think any farther without including the pain. Because I was happy. Happier than I had ever been. There were struggles, of course. But I was happy. He had already put us through so much, but we had made it through. "No matter what..." It seemed like we had just finally put the pieces back together from his last "big mistake". We had a beautiful home. Wonderful family. And I had a husband that made me feel beautiful, safe, and protected. Then, in a split second...everything was gone.
I can't say how many times that phone call has haunted my thoughts and dreams. But I can tell you how many days though. 290. I think one of the things that will always bother me, is that he'll never know. He'll never know, that even at that moment when I found out where he was...I still had faith in him. I still believed he was my Knight. I thought he had caught someone doing wrong, and tried to be the hero. Not for a second did I ever believe he was the cause. Not until I got there, and was told what really happened. I'm not sure if I have ever felt that sort of shock in my life. He would like to think that I had made my decision about our "future" then. Or maybe on that horrible moving day. He believes that I had already made my choice to walk away. From everything we shared. But in truth? I was hollow.
It took me almost 5 months to work past that shock. And when I did, I didn't want that either. Making the choice to leave was the worst thing I've ever had to go through. Worse than getting a phone call letting you know that your best friend had died in his sleep. Worse than finding out that your other best friend was pregnant with your boyfriend's baby. Worse than going into emergency surgery and waking up to find out you may never have children. Yeah...leaving HIM was worse. I never knew one human being could actually feel that sort of pain. Not just from the decision, but from the thousand little realizations that lead me there.
Once I made my choice, a new sort of hollow settled in. This hollow is no longer rooted from shock. It's rooted in fear, anger, and a broken heart. I've lost my "forever". Actually, I'm still trying to force my brain into comprehending that I never had it to begin with. If I had, he would have kept his promises. Realized his choices effected me too. And that innocence would have never been destroyed. And that, if I'm being honest, has been one of the hardest parts to deal with. I'm alone. He's gone. It's just me, myself, and I.
